(George R. R. Martin)
Brace yourself!
Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves,
And your ents and your orcs, and your wargs and your Stings,
Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!
My readers fall in love with every character I've written!
Then I kill 'em! And they're like, "No, he didn't!"
All your bad guys die and your good guys survive!
We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!
Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies!
Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies!
There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome!
Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!
(J. R. R. Tolkien)
Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves,
Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!
You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!
You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!
In book sales, you've got nothing to say!
I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey!
I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!
You're a pirate! You even stole my "R. R."!
We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy!
So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly,
But news flash: the genre's called fantasy!
It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!
(George R. R. Martin)
I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats.
I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast!
You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants!
We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch!
(J. R. R. Tolkien)
I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme!
You LARPed your Santa Claus-ass through Vietnam!
And it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes
From a dude who sends a raven to say hi to his toes!
(George R. R. Martin)
Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke!
My show's the hottest thing on HBO!
I'm rock and roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish,
And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dog!
Even the names of your characters suck:
You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks!
I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks!
Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts!
(J. R. R. Tolkien)
C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing
How you and Jon Snow…both know nothing!
Because the backstory of my box office is billions!
Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions!
And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been!
Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin!
You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Towering!
Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!
