(Gordon Ramsay)
And that's how you make a perfect risotto.
Right. Mrs. Child, welcome to the grown-ups' table.
I've got exactly two minutes, and you should be grateful
'Cause I'm in the fucking weeds with all these shows to pitch!
I keep my ovens preheated and my pilots green-lit!
I'm a seasoned skillet; you're a PAM-sprayed pan!
I got Michelin stars; you're like the Michelin Man!
I'm rolling in dough like beef wellington from hollering,
And I'm shitting on you like I'm whack-flows intolerant!
(Julia Child)
Oh, isn't that a wonderful thing?
A grumpy little chef who thinks he can bring
Enough stuff to justify getting rough
With the butter-loving queen of the Bourguignon Boeuf!
I rock hard as concrete on top of these bomb beats!
Been chopping the pommes frites since you sucked on your mom's teats!
I served America dutifully, and I slice lard beautifully!
I reign supreme from shark repellent to charcuterie!
Go on and cross your arms in that B-boy stance!
When it comes to haute cuisine, there's one F-word: France!
Here's a nice amuse-bouche: take a poor abused youth,
Set a thirty-year timer, voila! Huge douche!
You're a namby-pamby candy-ass pansy, Gordon Ramsay!
You couldn't rap your way out of a pastry bag, understand me?
I laugh and create; you berate and destroy,
But fear, my dear boy, is less scrumptious than joy!
(Gordon Ramsay)
I'm glad you got that off your giant, flabby chest!
I'd call you a donkey, but you look more like Shrek!
When the Iron Man chef busts a rhyme,
I'll open up on you like a fine red wine!
I'm a culinary innovator; you're no creator!
Regurgitating French plates like a glorified translator!
I'm fresh; you're past your expiration date!
Alright, fuck it! Blue team, drop the bouillabaisse!
I've seen your little show, and it sure ain't pretty!
One part Big Bird, two parts Miss Piggy!
You can't test me with your fatty recipes!
Call your book Mastering the Art of Heart Disease!
I mean, it's rubbish!Look at page 408!
Tell me, who the fuck wants to learn to cook calf brains?!
You call these rhymes raw? They're stale and soft!
Now, here, take this jacket… Now, give it back and fuck off!
(Julia Child)
Oh please, your defeat's guaranteed!
Concede, I've got this in the bag: sous-vide!
Michelin indeed, you've done well for yourself,
But as a person, you couldn't get a star on Yelp!
I could freeze a steak with those frosted tips!
What's with that bitter taste in every word from your lips?
You scream at women, but the fits that you're pitching
Make you the pissiest bitch in the kitchen!
I'll pat you on the head, melt you, and stick it to ya!
Anything's good with enough butter! Booya!
Oh, I'm so glad you spent this time with me!
Now, eat a dick! Bon appétit!
