My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago,
(Yeah I’ve got people, and a phone, and a sense of the passage of time)
Yeah they rang me up, said, “Tim, do you wanna do The Royal Variety show?”
They want you to sing a song, it’ll be fine, fine, fine.
But the problem with my particular oeuvre
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over
And the wisdom here at ITV
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language
Which causes viewers untold anguish
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved
For pussy puns on Are You Being Served?
And so I… need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no bums nor blasphemy in it
A tiny little knities specifically written
For the delicate skin of contemporary Britain
I need a song with a chorus and a verse
Without no nasty cussin and a-cursin
I’m a little too lewd and a little too long
I gotta write myself a three minute song
And they said
Remember boy that music is like love-making:
It’s simply self-indulgent to take it past 3 minutes.
Remember boy that music is like love-making:
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit.
So I
Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no pornography or politics in it
A little less rude and more concise
Be yourself but brief and nice
300 beats at 100 beats a minute
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it.
I’m a little verbose and a little bit wrong
I gotta find myself a clean three minute song
And even in the bridge
I won’t be lyrically adventurous
Conceptually contentious
Or racially offensious
And I won’t make double entendres at the expense of that Chinese
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees
For China
For China
For China
For China
For China
For China is a cunt-ry, that will bring us to our knees.
Ooh Mr Humphries, my pussy is out in the rain
Ha ha ha ha
Two, three, four (skin)
I need a little happy clappy country song
Nice and repetitive and not too long
Boring enough but not too boring
With a key change here to prevent me snoring
I need a song that is only three minutes
Without no bums or blasphemy in it
You don’t get lost for lingering
I better get a giggle with my finger-ing
I need a song that will random me a favorite or Royalty
And the hope that a copy of my DVD will end up under the Royal Tree
The Queens got a stocking and I wanna be in it
And apparently she’ll only watch for 3 minutes
Don’t mind I’ll be done in 3...
