Elle:
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, well tended skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.
Callahan:
I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.
This guy's not gay, I say not gay.
All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically radically fey?
Emmett:
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.
Elle:
Look at his silk translucent socks.
Callahan:
There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing.
Elle:
What are we seeing?
Callahan:
Is he gay?
Elle:
Of course he's gay.
Calahan:
Or European?
All:
ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
Warner:
Well, hey don't look at me.
Vivian:
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.
All:
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.
Elle:
Oh please.
All:
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.
Warner:
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.
All:
Is he gay or European?
or
Enid:
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That guy's not gay, I say no way.
All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume
Elle:
Is automatically-radically
Callahan:
Ironically chronically
Vivian:
Certainly pertin'tly
Warner:
Genetically medically
All:
GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY
DAMNIT!
Gay or European?
Callahan:
So stylish and relaxed.
All:
Is he gay or European?
Callahan:
I think his chest is waxed.
Vivian:
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.
All:
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.
Brooke:
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.
All:
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.
Judge:
But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday.
All:
Is he gay or European?
gay or european?
Gay or Euro-
Emmett:
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.
Callahan:
The floor is yours.
Emmett:
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?
Mikos:
2 years.
Emmett:
And your first name again is...?
Mikos:
Mikos.
Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is...?
Mikos:
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.
Carlos:
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement.
This man is Gay and European!
and neither is disgrace
you've got to stop your being
a completely closet case.
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so gay.
You big parfait!
You flaming boy band cabaret.
Mikos:
I'm straight!
Carlos:
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!
All:
And European!
Carlos:
He's gay!
All:
And European!
Carlos:
He's gay!
All:
And European and Gay!
Mikos:
Fine okay I'm gay!
All:
Hooray!
Mikos and Carlos:
Fine. Okay. We're gay!
